De Blasio: ‘Well, Well, Well, Not So Easy To Find A Mayor That Doesn’t Suck Shit, Huh?’

This is what I was afraid of, when The Onion moved from Madison to NYC. Not that its insiders assumption that you’ll know how the NYC mayor’s race is going is that bad, but if they’re inspired to think this in New York what aren’t they thinking?

I physically subscribed to The Onion in the 90s (the difference was Madison ads and a lot of blank space lorem ipsumed up with “passerby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood”) golden age and their basic article was “non bold-faced names in arbitrary part of white settlement range have recognizable human experience, written up in newsy manner that highlights the essential ridiculousness of it all and adds some of its own”. And that worked cause the writers, from experience, could weave in deadpan details about like, upgrading the branding in a chain hotel.

But then again maybe they don’t read like a ‘90s Kevin Smith movie anymore cause it’s not the 90s, and they just followed their alternative-listening audience. Like am I worried they can’t ventriloquize the assistant manager of a mall store? To who would that be relevant in 2021, anyway?

My campaign’s just barely begun and I’ve already got you begging for more. Sure, you can say you oppose me or that you don’t even take me seriously. But let me ask you: How many articles have you read about Ted Cruz lately? How many news segments have you watched on Bobby Jindal? Or Rand Paul? But if those stories have the name “Donald Trump” in them, well, look who suddenly can’t get enough.

The thing is, I’ve got all of you eating out of my hand and I haven’t even released a single campaign commercial yet. Don’t look me in the eye and tell me you don’t want to stick around and see what that looks like, because you and I both know these ads are going to be absolutely incredible. I’ll be standing there projecting my best presidential air, saying “I’m Donald Trump, and I approve this message,” and you won’t be able to take your eyes off it.

You keep obsessing over every little thing I do and say, and I promise you’ll get your commercials real soon.

Hey The Onion rolled back its site one or two versions and filled it with some pretty solid shit this week. I’m impressed.