I’ve been in Portland for two years almost to the day now, so in honor of the occasion I’ll share with you the two most Portland experiences I’ve ever had. That’s actually quite a high bar, as Portland is very dedicated to being Portland.

2. The first time I came to Alberta street I parked my motorcycle and had barely made it half a block, admiring the attractively graffitied televisions left in the middle of the sidewalk. A man interrupted me to hand me a single left motorcycle glove. When I looked at him quizzically he said “‘cause I don’t have a motorcycle”, by way of explanation.

1. One night I went to the strip club I’d bought a VIP card for on my first week in town. In there I was surprised to meet the bartender with pinball tattoos I recognized from a regular haunt. I think she was with a mixed-gender group that, from how they seemed to relate to each other, I’d speculate was part of some kink or polyamory club. We talked and she, who I had previously pegged at maybe 24, brought up her 13 year old son. She said she was proud and happy that he was into Slayer and D&D, “because I can tell he’s going to get mad laid”.

So when I was noticeably more new to Portland I heard people saying of Mississippi Street “oh, that’s the hipster district”

And I was thinking “wait, there’s a non-hipster district?” (ok yes, but I never go east of 60th and only make it south of Powell or up to North for a few pinball bars).

So I went and I realized what they were getting at - it was a “New Brooklyn” theme park.

The condominiums, the halfway-there construction sites stalled by the downturn, older properties a great deal if you can actually finance the rehab.

The stores were so twee, so full of bicycle-commuting, stroller-pushing urban planners even by Portland standards, which holy shit.

The gay bankers and other new money with a “suave and restrained” (which is to say upmarketed) take on the lifestyle branding of 10 years ago, who are just sooooooo haughtily proud that THEIR 10 years ago was 2002.

The well-imagineered bars where you overhear the new generation of old money comparing their European vacations.

Oh shit it’s

NEOCOLONIAL WILLIAMSBURG

man I’m going to be proud of that for weeks.

Molly McAleer once told me I wasn’t a hipster, she had a really detailed and correct taxonomy and I was actually an indie kid. Which, yes. On the other hand, there used to be freaks and beatniks and jesus freaks and SDSers and new agers and all that but in the end they turned out to all be hippies, you know?