So, still kinda feels like Halcyon & On & On in my head except obviously, you know, I can still write these and digest Wikipedia articles and things. If I let myself drift I might end up doing something on reasoning that when examined is basically nonsense logic but it’s harmless, worst I’ve caught myself doing was making a cup of tea when it was really too late for caffeine. Which means this is far more together than the actual Halcyon experience, I honestly suspect this is the last downswing embers of this last year’s craziness but if it stabilized around this point I could learn to live with it.

The Tinder stuff tho I dunno. I’m definitely like that, that goes together somehow, being more outgoing and social, being more sexual –weirdly it doesn’t come off (at least to me, seeing it as much from the outside as anyone) needy or showoffy horny so much as fucky – and then completely forgetting about it. It’s like when this first happened I would have conversations with my mutuals here and for a week be like “that went great, glad we caught up!” and then look at the transcript and it would be like, me causally invoking the deepest secrets I knew and most personal stuff I inferred to directly solicit sex from them.

These conversations less shocking to discover in ways, like sure, I’ll take it in stride that in the middle of talking with a complete stranger I told her I could tell from her profile how she sexualized her neuroses so well that I knew the perfect place to take her without panties holding my cum inside but like, what?

I’m not sure I could think my way to saying that in my “self” character, but some aspect of me obviously can easily. And maybe that’s the thing I’m protecting myself from, because it seems to get a more positive response than you’d think