Honestly I love turning bi for how it opens up a world of jokes; it’s not that they’re only now okay as much as now I have a referent at hand. Like, I’ve thought up a pretty good turn of phrase about gargling dicks but who is gargling dicks where I deploy it? Do I have to work up a point about someone’s propensity for dick-gargling in order to deploy it? No, I am gargling dicks.

One nice thing about the bisexuality is it makes hatefucking seem more accessible: I don’t know that I’ve even ever been around an attractive woman I’ve actively loathed in a way to generate the heat for that in adulthood but I have encountered fuckable gay men who came off as supercilious or irritating.

“Oh in the ‘10s the culture’s courtship practices totally collapse, but decent autistic queer ones actually develop, and then in the '20s you turn queer and out to have been autistic all along” actually a pretty good synecdoche of my cultural whiplash lately

A little surprised that the gay porn sense of “a fit guy” seems to mean far more realistic body types than I remember from the “woodsmen” of 90s straight studio porn, who tended to have the gym-swollen, hairless, tribal tattoo look that now that I think of it was actually pretty gay-coded, over and above the general valence of obsession with the aesthetics of the male body as sexual implement.

Oh no I wanted to be but just wasn’t, after psyching myself up enough I was like “maybe I am bi by now” and went home from a bar in LA with this couple and was hooking up with the guy and like no, I remember thinking “this is like giving someone a massage with your mouth while they choke you”, no spark whatsoever, couldn’t keep jerking off if I turned my mind to guys, all that, and its totally different now, just like a switch flipped and I can find value in maleness and male sexuality. Something in the vicinity of “gender euphoria” about inhabiting a male body, too

ecrivainsolitaire:

kontextmaschine:

sighinastorm:

kontextmaschine:

I love that I can jerk off about guys now. That’s just so neat!

Could you not before?

No, I was straight my whole life, I actually tried “bihacking” myself as a teen but while I succeeded in dispelling any aversion to m/m sexuality I ultimately had to accept I was just not into it. But in 2020 I caught Covid before vaccines existed, it spread to my brain and caused enough damage there that my existing personality was no longer viable, and after a period of depersonalization I generated a new one that is different in some major respects, including being bisexual.

Any particular reason you tried bihacking?

I thought it would be neat to be bi. And it is! The one thing that caught me off guard – both jerking off and sex with girls are appreciably hotter now. Because apparently once you’re into guys, “male sexual pleasure is a turn-on” includes your own.

Oh my Goddddddd, I just realized the even wilder thing about my sudden out-of-nowhere fantasy of getting plowed by West Indian guys.

It’s from Dee Jay. Like, Super Street Fighter II Dee Jay, from Jamaica, with the pants that say “Maximum”?

Like, apparently he would have awoken something in me, but I was straight at the time, so I was just carrying that one around as unexploded ordnance for like 29 years

sighinastorm:

kontextmaschine:

I love that I can jerk off about guys now. That’s just so neat!

Could you not before?

No, I was straight my whole life, I actually tried “bihacking” myself as a teen but while I succeeded in dispelling any aversion to m/m sexuality I ultimately had to accept I was just not into it. But in 2020 I caught Covid before vaccines existed, it spread to my brain and caused enough damage there that my existing personality was no longer viable, and after a period of depersonalization I generated a new one that is different in some major respects, including being bisexual.

kontextmaschine:

Huh, I wonder if the raised testosterone levels I’ve been noticing in a muscle-building context also explain why my erections have been bigger, thicker, and harder since the personality change

I had mostly been attributing it to the bisexuality, that now that I’m into male sexuality, “having an erection” was itself a turn-on.

Into gay jerkoff porn lately because having just realized it’s even possible for a guy to look attractive and intriguing while jerking off, I need to learn to up my game

I suppose I should specify that I don’t have a sense that this nerve crisis or whatever moved me from a hetero state to a bi state or anything, but rather that as part of the process of being an embodied self-aware thing I had formed a self, that self was straight, the nerve thing degraded it to the point it wasn’t viable (I remember I was a body in a place, and I was a string of memories that explained how that came to be and I was even a pretty good reasoning capacity but I wasn’t until in retrospect particularly even the consciousness that noticed this) so I had to form another one, and that one formed bi through processes I can’t tell but might be somehow related, like other changes, to the fact I did this one not as a child but a pretty aware adult who had even tried bihacking once