Oh that reminds me, did anyone else see Princess of Thieves, the 2001 Disney TV movie with Kiera Knightley as Robin Hood’s daughter with her father in the Maid Marian role?

It was fucking TERRIBLE.

I got it off Netflix when Netflix still came in the mail because Kiera Knightley with a sword in tight leather, rawr. That was kind of a dry run for her roles in Pirates of the Caribbean, playing a girl who could

1) outfight the male lead and

2) act directly against their commands if she saw fit

Which was hot for the Red Sonja reason that holy shit, she could force herself on you.

Which is to say I totally wanted 2000s Kiera Knightley to rape me. Well I guess “ravish”, which is what it’s called when honestly you really want it. In the butt, with a leather strap-on, maybe. That appeals to me, which is really inconvenient when you’re a straight guy.

(Inb4 the obvious, I’ve got a huge cis fetish. In the original sense of “fetish”, as a necessary component of sexual satisfaction.)

((I remember being maybe 8 and discovering the showerhead massager up my butt feeling surprisingly satisfying, for some reason I mentally glossed this as having a large couch in my living room. When I first got into PiV sex I mentally glossed it as using a wooden crane to offload crates of tea from a sailing ship. DUDE I DON’T EVEN KNOW))

I’m so eyerolling dismissive about people’s youthful sexuality play because I’ve been through that shit a long time ago and come out the other side. I fancied myself Kinsey 3 for a while because…

oh wait this is hilarious. Because back in the ‘90s my first regular porn source was off USENET, I forget even why but alt.binaries.pictures.erotica.cartoons(.moderated?). Fuckin’ Milo Manara and Spunky Knight and XXXenophiles and old Tijuana bibles and damn professional-grade (which in retrospect was probably from a professional doing doujin-style sidework) Gen13 fanart with Rainmaker on Freefall while Fairchild schlicked, and this one guy who just loved to draw girls and horses.

And there was one picture I came across that was like, a dude eating a girl out while a guy sucked him off, only they were blue foxes and grey coyotes, and for some reason that made a big impression and stuck with me.

I, Kontextmaschine, spent my teenage years thinking of himself as someone who would TOTALLY suck dick, looking forward to it even, because of a single piece of 1990s bisexual furry porn, maybe 92k and took 3 minutes to download. Truefax.

Then I finally got a chance and it wasn’t repulsive or anything just not actively attractive and without that the sheer physicality of it was just ridiculous and unappealing. Like trying to give someone a massage with your mouth while they choke you. And the reverse did nothing for me, so it was like “welp, guess I’m straight”.

Also you know I identified as female for a lot of elementary school. The classmates (this would be 3rd grade so 199…1? didn’t taunt me that I couldn’t be a girl but rather that how would I afford SRS, because the last Transgender Moment was still in live memory, Renee Richards and Wendy Carlos and all.

Every generation thinks it invented sex, I guess now apparently gender too.

In retrospect I think a lot of it was that I wanted to escape male expectations and be protected and appreciated for my delicacy and vulnerability. Which I look around tumblr now and game recognize game. Game recognize game.

And grass is always greener and now I appreciate that my female classmates weren’t exactly in a utopia, and those who commit to transition God knows that’s not the comforting welcome they get.

But I did go to school once in like 9th grade wearing that first girlfriend’s dress. This teacher who came off as harsh and conservative just stopped me in the hall, looked me up and down, and just said “nah, that doesn’t flatter you”. Which was probably the best counter possible, I realized girl clothes weren’t just culturally encoded but physically draped from tits and hips and butt I didn’t have.

Still for years I would maintain a ~joke~ about ~actually~ being a lesbian because I had declared the space around me to be the Floating Island of Lesbos, and I still default to female avatars in games. Also there’s a few disposable camera pictures of me out there somewhere from my Renn Faire years in full corset, dress, and makeup.

There’s a reason I stayed with moneycat even through her bullshit “political lesbianism + universal MtF transition” year.