I take holidays very seriously. Culture and cultus and all. The thing that most bugged me about the reign of Bush the Younger was declaring September 11th as “Patriot Day”. HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO CELEBRATE PATRIOT DAY? Parades? Barbecues? Mattress sales?

(I threw a Jenga tournament.)

Anyway. Christmas made the transition to post-Christianity pretty well. It’s the feast of one half of the new Santa Claus/Batman dual god, one of the biggest holidays of the year, strong enough that people make up knockoffs.

(and don’t think you’re daring for pointing out that Kwanzaa is bullshit, actual black nationalists realized that by, like, Nia of 1966)

But Easter, man.

I think part of that is the secular aspects haven’t kept up with the times. Christmas gifting went from rare exotic fruits and nuts to rare consumer electronics, Easter from rare chocolate and candies to trivially ubiquitous chocolate and candies.

I mean that’s the only time you get bunny chocolate (pf, no one cares about the Easter bunny) and creme eggs (fair) but psh.

So, ideas:

• expand the egg hunt thing, make it a day for huge scavenger hunts, like the Herald Hunt. (Dave Barry is a national treasure.)

• deprecate it in favor of Good Friday. This sets up a 3-day weekend in its role as “spring festival” and reorients it around death. That’s weird for a spring festival, but it could work. In one direction, as a celebration of the time humanity managed to kill a god, in another set it up as the “Batman” feast, maybe by transposing the Crucifixion elements of Marian cultism.