kontextmaschine:

Yeah, there’s that, but I’ve noticed it lately too. It really felt like it was building up to a mania a month and change back (my normal cycle is around 6 months) but then it disappointed and in retrospect the intense imminent expectation of it might have been the mania? And then things started to slope down afterwards.

But my manias have actually been pretty irregular since the personality change, no two the same, so ???

I honestly think it might be I’ve been having stronger coffee this week. Hm, if the anxiety zeroing is stripping the badfeel and making it hard to notice when I’m tired, maybe it’s also leading me to underappreciate overcaffeinization (which I’m tempted to by the sleep deficit I’m building unnoticed)? Hmm.

In general I probably won’t be caught off-guard by mania as much anymore cause I’ve started remembering when the last one was and tracking when I’m due, rather than just trying to read symptoms in felt experience

Yeah, there’s that, but I’ve noticed it lately too. It really felt like it was building up to a mania a month and change back (my normal cycle is around 6 months) but then it disappointed and in retrospect the intense imminent expectation of it might have been the mania? And then things started to slope down afterwards.

But my manias have actually been pretty irregular since the personality change, no two the same, so ???

I honestly think it might be I’ve been having stronger coffee this week. Hm, if the anxiety zeroing is stripping the badfeel and making it hard to notice when I’m tired, maybe it’s also leading me to underappreciate overcaffeinization (which I’m tempted to by the sleep deficit I’m building unnoticed)? Hmm.

I really do suspect the distinction between Type I Bipolar “mania” and Type II “hypomania” is just being able to handle it

Like right now it’s like YOU SPEAK WITH THE VOICE OF DESTINY AND THE MEMBRANE BETWEEN YOU AND THE WORLD IS A GRADIENT OF RADIANT LIGHT and I’m just like

“man, I was hoping to get some nice sleep tonight”

Like yeah, it kinda sucks that my visual acuity is turned up and awareness threshold dropped down so I am in conscious awareness of all the dirt and filth in the house, but fuck if I’m gonna spend all day cleaning or anything.