kontextmaschine:

Alright, last few days as the anxiety disappeared actually very productive in terms of small projects; I could do things “right in front of me” and the next one from there in a way that actually admitted a good deal of mental work in conceiving of a possible next project, so if there was like anything I had put any thought to in the area…

So the bedroom and sitting part of the front room are much more pleasantly cleaned, the garage is now lined up for final go-through, the kitchen is like one activity station away from being tidied, I’m back to excavating the ramp from upper to lower backyard so I don’t have to clamber or walk barrows around, Im in the process of pipe-strapping a flagpole mount outside my front door and swapping in a new fan switch unit with a replacement pull-chain, some other stuff too.

Also my monthly silk washing, and not only am I back down to 6 hours of sleep a night but I’m writing these debriefing posts again, that’s how you know the anxiety’s gone.

It is so amusing to see the anxiety go away and find I now just don’t care about something I’ve been fixating on all week

Anxiety receding now creating the hilarious effect that I am still concerned enough about how concerned I am to feel really relieved that I’m feeling less concerned

Yeah, alright, that terrible Wednesday was the peak of this anxiety mania, in retrospect for a few days before I had even noticed my acid reflux was getting worse, which was a precursor of the chest- and stomach-tightness (maybe related to smooth muscle tonus?) that had me vomiting at worst.

Still readjusting to the anxiety, it’s like “I’m up, I had creatine, I had coffee, yet I’m just sitting here and not doing things, what gives?”

Also it’s increasing my muscle tonus and I have to really dig into my back with my self-massager stick before and after bed. (Also makes me realize that some of the improved sleep quality I’d been crediting the new mattress with was really that going away.)

Interesting to watch as the exact same energy in considering my environment and how to affect it that under zeroed anxiety was translating instantly into action, is now channeled into more comprehensively considering and creating a complete plan I only later execute

Hm, do still have some anxiety but seems yesterday was a nadir.

Honestly think some of it was a hangover, I traditionally calibrated my drinking with reference to reducing the felt experience of anxiety and so with it up (and being out of habit feeling anxiety at all) may have been overindulging to compensate

kontextmaschine:

Huh! Well, cannabis has been known for its weird relationship with anxiety – the sudden onset alongside other anxiety symptoms seems poorly matched there but there might be some underlying similarities in mechanism.

Like, the shower didn’t make me less vomity, the urge vanished once my stomach was fully evacuated, it was that it made me less nervous and tense.

kontextmaschine:

Welp, if this doesn’t send me to the hospital somehow later it’s a lock for the worst I’ve ever felt without going to one. Maybe not physically though, a bunch of it is effectively spirit damage, though it sure isn’t spirit puke I’ve been throwing up periodically.

One nice thing puking made me sweaty and I was in the bathroom anyway and took a shower and unlike earlier when it was hot so I used cool water, standing under warm water really seems to help

Welp, if this doesn’t send me to the hospital somehow later it’s a lock for the worst I’ve ever felt without going to one. Maybe not physically though, a bunch of it is effectively spirit damage, though it sure isn’t spirit puke I’ve been throwing up periodically.

Well, I had to downgrade my ambition to the very closest store, threw up in the parking lot, had a breakdown when I came home and Badger wouldn’t stop meowing for food and had to go sit under the shower, but I didn’t have to get milk delivered.

Guys, I’m in a bad way rn, it’ll pass but I’m soliciting messages of support.

Oh, I’m getting anxiety attacks now, that’s just atrocious.

Ugh, I know this is the mental illness positivity site, but this suuuuuuuuuucks

kontextmaschine:

Woke up a good two hours ago and have just been failing to get out of bed since.

This sucks, man, even if the anxiety’s not at disorder level it sucks having a mania channeled through.

Woke up a good two hours ago and have just been failing to get out of bed since.

I’m not accomplishing anything, which I didn’t expect to while this anxiety return mania plays out, but the non-disorder anxiety at least allowed me to take the initiative to make some arrangements to clear a week or two

It is funny though, I’m just not getting the restless drive to go accomplish action items so I just sit in my chair by the window, but then thinking about the fact that I’m not even though nothing’s stopping me and I could just has me in a loop thinking poorly of myself for not getting anything done even though I specifically blocked off the time to do nothing.

Anxiety, man!

Sure enough, with the anxiety at normal I have an assessment of neighborhood future hitting between the golden glory I do at zero anxiety and the miserable outcomes with the anxiety disorder, that the neighborhood continues to develop but none of it is particularly for me and when I examine that – “Why are you scoffing at this restaurant for 35-year-old yuppies? You’re 45 and rich. What do you want? What do you want?” dont really have a sense of what would be, at least I have a house I can walk to a few places to eat from that’s appreciated well – in a way swamped by everything else I inherit – but honestly if that’s my criteria I should maybe go somewhere with taller buildings

Yeah, the different timing and motivation with which I get up, go out and do yard work, eat, go to bed, the way even when out I’m in a less linear bang-things-out-1-2-3 mode… that’s def. shifted back in the direction of the old personality.

Honestly can’t really tell if what I had attributed to borderline autism going away has been affected, that difference mostly shows up in social situations and I just don’t feel that outgoing rn.

kontextmaschine:

Hm, no yeah I’m pretty sure the mania did fire prematurely and proportionately weaker AND it’s doing the “anxiety returns” variant is I don’t have an anxiety disorder now, but I am able to experience anxiety again (and thus shame, guilt, regret, etc.)

So in totality this is novel - I’m not always finding negative angles to things but I do dwell on particularly unpleasant ones, my outlook for the course of events isn’t really more negative – I don’t see any new threats – but not immune – I’m not as expectant there won’t be threats –and certainly less golden sunshine day positive.

Though I do see a potential for a good future broader than what I thought of as “the sun-dappled clearing”

Also less eye-rolling about people drawing negativity from contemporary trends or events – there’s some bad shit going on!

Oh, this also means I miss the absence of a romantic partner again – it’s actually a whole new vista, thinking about romance under a normal anxiety regime.

Really does feel like some Binding of Isaac-ass shit where I cleared normal mania enough times I got moved on to a whole new level and when it was through my manias came with random modifiers each time. Keeps the gameplay experience fresh.

This is better than the anxiety disorder by a bit, but honestly the zeroed anxiety is best.

Hm, no yeah I’m pretty sure the mania did fire prematurely and proportionately weaker AND it’s doing the “anxiety returns” variant so “proportionately weaker” means I don’t have an anxiety disorder now, but I am able to experience anxiety again (and thus shame, guilt, regret, etc.)

So in totality this is novel - I’m not always finding negative angles to things but I do dwell on particularly unpleasant ones, my outlook for the course of events isn’t really more negative – I don’t see any new threats – but not immune – I’m not as expectant there won’t be threats –and certainly less golden sunshine day positive.

Though I do see a potential for a good future broader than what I thought of as “the sun-dappled clearing”

Also less eye-rolling about people drawing negativity from contemporary trends or events – there’s some bad shit going on!