kontextmaschine:

effects of Lexapro

I’ve become so much more confident. I work a room like wham. I flirt like Captain Kirk. I talk dirty like holy shit, like R. Lee Ermey’s audition tape, minutes solid without repeating myself. Which is great, because that’s practically the only way I can orgasm anymore. Even my reliable fetishes (girls wetting themselves or pissing outside, I think it’s the old flesh/spirit thing) don’t work anymore.

I drink straight liquor, which I never did before, like a lot of it, but I carry it well.

I black out sometimes or grey out and run on pure id and I’m quite charming to myself and others.

I fall asleep easily, have pettily realistic shallow dreams. Worthless sub sub sub us stuff and then I wake up and between the drunk and that it’s not clear what really went down.

My farts smell like pure evil, oh god.

I don’t have a cutoff level for sleep anymore. I’ll sleep 5 hours and pee, 8 hours and get a drink and slump back down, 10 hours and it’s a comfy bed, 12 hours and pee and holy shit I just slept 14 hours. I got into this for a long insomnia thing so maybe it’s just a large but finite deficit but let’s see.

so because it’s come up a few times lately, this was my at-the-time assessment of that month I was put on Lexapro

(and leading with the omorashi stuff up there signals disinhibition – you know, I had been talking about how many kinks were just eroticizations of your issues but it’s only from the new personality I realize that was an eroticization of anxiety)

theresponseblog:

kontextmaschine:

So something I have realized is Roissy/PUA-style “game” does not work as a normative guide to how you, a man who does not get pussy, can get pussy, but it is a 100% accurate descriptive account of how the guys who do get pussy get pussy, and anxiety is the mediating factor

they get pussy because they recognize that there’s plenty of pussy that just wants a cock that leaves in the morning, and the PUA stuff is signaling “hey, I am a cock that will leave in the morning”

i guess you’re right that “anxiety” is a part of the thing but the anxiety is him looking ahead to the next morning, where he wants to make her breakfast and she is wondering whether she should call the cops or her boyfriend

I really think you’re misreading anxiety as mere nervous uncertainty here, like before the 90s depression got misread as mere sadness.

isaacsapphire:

keynes-fetlife-mutual:

keynes-fetlife-mutual:

being poor means that every couple months my productivity gets derailed because I have to make some sort of phone call, which is going to take at least an hour (mostly hold time), and usually requires some kind of preparation, and has to happen right at the start of my normal workday if it’s going to happen at all (or else I won’t even get a spot in the queue), and is going to leave me too terrified/enraged/something to focus on anything else for the rest of the day

and I’m too much of an ADHD disaster for this to be an easy process so it actually takes me several attempts and ruins several workdays, not just one

it is so goddamn exhausting to have trauma about interacting with unaccountable bureaucracies and also rely on those bureaucracies for food and medical care. I think the people responsible for my bureaucracy trauma should have to make these goddamn phone calls for me. that would be fair.

you still have a lot of stupid bureaucracy shit to deal with when you’re rich, but you sometimes get to choose a different bureaucracy if the one you’re dealing with is bullshit, or spend more money to circumvent them, or pay somebody to help you deal with them. I have none of those luxuries.

almost all of the “help” that pretends to exist for people like me is only for telling you how to do things. at some point social services convinced themselves that doing things for people (who are already overstressed and exhausted) is bad for them, they should Be Responsible! but I know perfectly well what I’m supposed to do, and I think delegating a task instead of trying to force myself to do something that triggers me (and massively detracts from my efforts to get a damn job) IS “being responsible” fuck you very much.

On a more meta level, delegation is what management IS. If delegation is irresponsible, everyone who manages people is inherently irresponsible. Btw accepting that delegation is ok is a REALLY important mental shift for a lot of personal and professional life.

I am starting to notice a regular trend of people attributing to ADHD or autism what is (maybe those comorbid with) anxiety

Which, not judgy! Until COVID in my brain specifically wiped out anxiety two years ago I don’t know if I could distinguish that myself!

But it’s a thing. Anxiety: like Listening to Prozac did with depression, we’ve got to face that it’s its own thing.

So at the end of sixth grade our teacher used the soak time for projects! which were not specifically related to the new districtwide trend around portfolios and projects and rubrics but I’m sure were not independent of that gestalt

And of course mine was ambitiously like a HyperCard stack? No, HyperStudio, where Apple realized the PowerPoint-equivalent could become interactive with a scripting language!

Which was overambitious in concept, also I insisted on putting a ton of weird conceptual flow and in-jokes in this project no one would ever see because of course I did, and I was getting REALLY STRESSED about whether I’d have enough time to finish and I didn’t

And it was literally two days after I had graduated elementary school and I’d been coming back in (the school was just next to my development) to finish polishing this meaningless enrichment assignment I said “wait, what?”

And that’s what anxiety is like