That thing where people claim to be flattered for being carded for alcohol? I didn’t get that.

I’m pretty levelheaded, I’m good at talking my way through tense situations, I’m decently massive, I know how to fight. And I’d love if things were arranged so I could just go out and strangers felt compelled to come talk to me.

People tell me I should be a bouncer. My roommate was a doorman. But when I was 13, I was infuriated by the way adults brushed off kids, didn’t take them seriously, tried to gatekeep them from the world. I swore I’d never take up the position of rejecting people for being too young. And I take my promises seriously.

Just went to Beulahland. There was a crowd outside, younger than usual. Don’t know if it was the holiday weekend, the kids back in town for college, what. Buff dude standing by the door with his arms crossed.

Ask him if he’s the door, he looks confused, then apologetic. No. Guy sitting by the side says he is. Go to get out my license and he laughs. “Yeah, you’re a grownup.”

I laugh, haha, look at us here. Go in. A second through the door, I stop. “Wait, fuck me.”