utilitymonstermash:

Dan Sickles

• Acquired the land for central park
• Married a teenager at 32
• Was censured for bringing a prostitute into the state assembly
• Took a prostitute to meet Queen Victoria
• Became a congressman
• Got cucked by the district attorney for DC, Philip Barton Key, Francis Scott Key’s son
• Murdered Key
• Pioneered the temporary insanity defense
• Reconciled with his wife
• Remained in congress
• Left congress and became a civil war general
• Engaging in somewhat unsound tactics lost his leg at Gettysburg, gained a medal of honor
• Attempted to return to combat, but was denied by Grant
• Got dent to Colombia to secure the isthmus
• Supervised military reconstruction in south Carolina
• Became ambassador to Spain
• Was rumored to have had an affair with the recently deposed queen
• Attempted to start a war with Spain
• Became a spokesman for preservation of Gettysburg
• Returned to congress
• Died at 94 in the 20th century

America just doesn’t make them like this anymore