Something I should’ve connected to anxiety before was I always had a very intense startle reaction. Now I have none, but I think I still have the high awareness I developed to not be caught unaware.

Similarly, now I have complete confidence and because others see me acting while displaying such confidence they infer that whatever I’m doing is Correct and go along, but I still have the instinct to line all my ducks up in a row first and create contingency plans automatically.

It’s the same thing with whatever on-the-spectrum thing I had going. I can sympathetically feel others’ emotions now, I always thought that was a metaphor. But because I didn’t have that when I formed my personal philosophy of life – and defined myself against others’ incomprehensible philosophies that turned on it – I never developed the sense they were in any way significant, more than the color of the wallpaper.

So now that I have them it’s a big boost to pursuing my intermediate goals – make person X feel emotion Y to induce reaction Z – but they have no place in my ultimate goals.

Which means that right at the time that being more empathetic and socially smooth makes people think I’m much more nice, or good, or on their side, what it really does is make me far better at manipulating people for my own ends.