max1461:

*james-from-team-rocket sort of voice*

im an ancient sumerian king

with a massive sumerian thing

when i sit on my throne yes it swings

like the clapper that makes a bell ring

for my thing it is loose

under my sumerian skirt

and my nice fat caboose

is never inert

cause im twerkin and twerkin and twerkin like none have before me!

my people adore me!

the medes and elamites, why they abhor me!

my armies know no equal for my epic sword strikes true

my soldiers are well trained and

id suggest, far better trained than you

*lapsing out of james voice at this point, read the above with a continuous transition to a general american accent*

so fear not if you are my ally

and fear much if you are my foe

im unbeatable, my throne unseatable

by any who try to overthrow!

fuck off my haters fuck off

for im a sumerian king!

you cannot oppose me! im so powerful im so fucking powerful!

guards, arrest these motherfuckers for even trying to challenge me!

jesus christ what does it take to get some peace and quiet around here! fuck!

*voice chimes in from my council of advisors* sir, uh, I just

WHAT?

um, well, sir, the thing is… jesus hasn’t been invented yet, you know? i mean, you’re doing a great job its just

right, right, i always forget that. jesus doesn’t come out for like, centuries, right?

millennia, sir

right, ok, yeah. sorry it’s just. the ancient mesopotamian times all kinda blur together for me.

yes, sir. for all of us, sir. kind of strange, you think we’d be used to it but i guess not

yeah i know it’s like, jesus-

-

sorry, ba'al or whatever. but like, my point is we’ve all lived in ancient sumerian times our whole life and, you know, you’d think we’d be used to it? or like, more acclimated? idk, just feels weird.

yes sir, i follow you sir.

right, ok, but at least im king which is good. you all have to do what i say or else i kill you!

yes sir, thats true sir.

right, back to my hot flows then:

im the hippest sumerian jock

and the tip my sumerian cock

has no parallel in any land from aegypt to the indus,

*fade to black*