seat-safety-switch:

I don’t know if you’ve been to one of those dog shows recently. Well, I guess not “recently.” Let’s say “ever,” because most likely anyone reading this isn’t willing to die of a respiratory disease in exchange for looking at some fancy dogs. At these shows, you have two main tracks. Dogs that look pretty and are scored on how pretty they look, and dogs that are good at sports and get scored on how good they are at those sports. Everyone loves a winner.

I saw a billboard for this recently, and I thought: what about the dogs that weren’t popular in high school? Surely there is a dog show for the canines that spent every lunch break out behind the auto shop trying to see if the teacher would miss a couple bottles of brake cleaner enough to involve the school resource officer.

After thinking on this subject for awhile, I realized that I once again forgot to roll down the windows before leaving the Walmart, and the exhaust fumes are starting to build up in the cabin again. It’s a good thing this stereo still works, because I know from experience that when Jim Morrison starts to get all warbly, it’s carbon monoxide poisoning. What if I’m listening to a different tape? Perhaps you have confused me for someone whose car stereo features an “eject” button.

Back to the dogs: perhaps the most appealing aspect of this entire idea is that it attracts the hyper-rich. Once you pass a certain threshold of money-having, all your money starts to make more money on its own. You don’t need to be involved anymore, and chances are getting your idiot human hands in there would just make it worse. So you quit your job, go home, and stay there. I bet for a couple weeks, this is pretty cool, like being drinking-at-10am unemployed but without the fear that you are about to be evicted and murdered on the street. Of course, even the idle rich don’t want to actually be idle. Some rich people go into some really weird shit, but most are just kind of uncreative. They pick a new hobby that everyone likes: dogs. Breeding and training designer dogs consumes all this excess cash they have lying around, and it means that they get to go to parties with new rich people they haven’t met before. A natural fit.

That’s where the traditional model, as I’ve stated before in this piece, falls down. Not all bemoneyed dog people are going to produce athletic or beautiful dogs on their first try. Demotivated, they’re going to give up on the whole adventure, and take their money with them to a new hobby. Why attend any dog shows if there’s nothing to compete in? That’s why my Low-Achieving Dog Show For The Idle Rich will be extremely profitable. All we need to do is get some really accepting judges and..

Huh. Did Shaman’s Blues always have this killer EDM bassline? Christ. You’d think the broken sunroof on this piece of shit would vent some of this out once in awhile.