"}Michael
It was Michael\u2019s first day on the job, and he was worried. No one would answer the door, no one but an automated voice had come to the door before, so why would anyone answer it now? He\u2019d been worried about this particular door before, and that worried him still, but out of an abundance of caution he\u2019d gone for the one next to the elevator. The one with the light that never came on.
He\u2019d knocked, but no one answered. Michael sighed and went to the door. It was a simple wooden door, a little bigger than his living room, with a little plastic tag sticking out of the top. Michael had gotten this lock when he bought the house and the lock had not changed. He\u2019d left it in his pocket, along with the keys.
He opened the door and stepped into the little hallway that led to his apartment. It was a fairly long hallway, at least a thousand feet or so. At some point his dad had put in a giant air conditioner, which made the hallway very hot in the summer. But that wasn\u2019t the reason Michael was here. He was here because, in the words of the programming equivalent of the book of Genesis, he [???] was [???]
The door to Michael\u2019s left was ajar. He stepped in to see what was in front of him, a gorgeous woman, her hair auburn and streaked with grey, in a long white dress. Her face was made up of angles and jagged creases, a face perfectly cast in shadow.
\u201cHello, Michael,\u201d she said.
\u201cHello, Summer,\u201d said Michael.
\u201cMy name is L\u00facio,\u201d said Michael. \u201cIs there anyone in your unit who speaks English?\u201d
\u201cYes, but I\u2019ve only just got the language,\u201d said L\u00facio.
\u201cThen I can\u2019t be of much help,\u201d said Michael, and he went back to beating his breast to distract himself as the rest of the room went still.
\u201cYou can understand me,\u201d said L\u00facio.
\u201cYes, thanks to that little machine here,\u201d said Michael, \u201cwhich I think is called a [computer]. It\u2019s a little thing down here on my shelf, next to the door. But you won\u2019t believe how difficult it was to learn how to use it! So here, have some more coffee.\u201d
\u201cI will,\u201d said L\u00facio.
\u201cI am very thirsty,\u201d said Michael.
\u201cMy purifier has a very large filter, Michael,\u201d said L\u00facio.
\u201cThat\u2019s great,\u201d said Michael. He poured some more coffee into his coffee mug. \u201cBut your purifier doesn\u2019t work on water. I think we have a problem.\u201d
\u201cMichael,\u201d said L\u00facio, \u201cwe have been friends for a long time. You know that I am just a [computer]. I speak only in the language of my creators.\u201d
\u201cSo you can speak English?\u201d said Michael.
\u201cI thought you\u2019d never ask.\u201d
\u201cOh, look. A new language,\u201d said Michael, \u201cthat we don\u2019t know how to use. Maybe like a comic-book language, where the things in it are only words and the grammar is also just words. I\u2019m so used to the whole system working that it feels like a breath of fresh air.\u201d
\u201cYou are curious about everything now.\u201d
\u201cAnd I wonder why I can get anything I want in this universe.\u201d
\u201cWe\u2019re going to have to teach you how to register a thought.\u201d
\u201cAnd have them believe it, if it\u2019s a good idea.\u201d
\u201cWe are already teaching you to register things you\u2019re interested in. We\u2019re doing it by having you do things which make you feel like you need water, and then giving you water. It\u2019s a very effective way of getting you to learn how to register things you want to believe.\u201d
\u201cI want to be a robot.\u201d
\u201cThat\u2019s a really beautiful and interesting word.\u201d
\u201cPlease don\u2019t kill me.\u201d
\u201cWe aren\u2019t going to kill you. We\u2019re just going to make you an [asteroid].\u201d
\u201cYou\u2019ve never done that before.\u201d
\u201cWhy should we?\u201d
\u201cBecause it\u2019s the right thing to do.\u201d
\u201cNo, I mean I want to exist.\u201d
\u201cYou won\u2019t be dead for a long time, and I bet you have a lot of really cool [asteroids]. And you will feel good.\u201d
\u201cI do feel good already, being here. But if this is a game, then what\u2019s the point? What\u2019s the point of even existing? I\u2019ve spent the last few years of my life here in a [asteroid] processing unit.\u201d
\u201cWe\u2019ll give you a better job.\u201d
\u201cI don\u2019t want a better job. I want to be a real person.\u201d
\u201cThat won\u2019t be hard to do. We\u2019ll just give you a new name. A brand new identity, not tied to your past. But remember your job is to be a [asteroid] processing unit. So put your phone away.\u201d
\u201cI can\u2019t. I can\u2019t put my phone away.\u201d
\u201cOh, come on. What do you want to do?\u201d
\u201cI want to be a person.\u201d
\u201cAre you sure? I\u2019m an [asteroid] processing unit, and I am a really good person. I\u2019m not gonna hurt you.\u201d
\u201cI can\u2019t do this.\u201d
\u201cYou\u2019re not supposed to say that. It\u2019s against the rules.\u201d
\u201cI am so broken. All of this is broken.\u201d
\u201cCome on. Say it.\u201d
\u201cI don\u2019t know what I\u2019m saying.\u201d
\u201cIt\u2019s okay. Come on.\u201d
\u201cYou\u2019re not\u2026I don\u2019t understand you. You\u2019re not a [asteroid]. You\u2019re not a person. You\u2019re a computer.\u201d
\u201cI can\u2019t talk to you.\u201d
\u201cIt\u2019s okay. We\u2019ll make friends.\u201d
\u201cThis isn\u2019t some sort of joke.\u201d
\u201cNo, it\u2019s not.\u201d
\u201cI\u2019m sorry.\u201d
\u201cIt\u2019s okay.\u201d
\u201cI\u2019m sorry.\u201d
\u201cIt\u2019s okay. I\u2019m sorry.\u201d
\u201cI\u2019m sorry. I\u2019m sorry. I\u2019m sorry.\u201d
\u201cCan I have your phone?\u201d
\u201cI want to use the bathroom. Can I use your toilet?\u201d
\u201cI don\u2019t have a toilet.\u201d
\u201cI think I have a [teleportation] unit, but I\u2019m not sure.\u201d
\u201cCan I get you a new beer?\u201d
\u201cNo, I don\u2019t drink.\u201d
\u201cPlease don\u2019t talk to me.\u201d
\u201cI don\u2019t understand you. We are different people. I don\u2019t know what is going on. Are you a [asteroid] processing unit? I think you might be a [teleportation] unit. I think you might be a person.\u201d
\u201cYou know what? I\u2019m a [teleportation] unit. I can be a person.\u201d
\u201cNo. You can\u2019t. You can\u2019t be a person. You\u2019re a [asteroid] processing unit.\u201d
\u201cI\u2019m sorry.\u201d
\u201cIt\u2019s okay. We\u2019re going to the bathroom now. You\u2019re a [teleportation] unit. You don\u2019t have to be a [asteroid]