Okay so I’ve mentioned that under the new personality, and especially in this current up mood, I’m less straight?
Like at new baseline only by a Kinsey point or so. I realized that when I was already sexually aroused I could bring men into it
Basically when I was already jerking off about girls I could be like “men?” and instead of “no you’re killing the vibe” the answer would be “sure, okay”. Like practically speaking, I’d now be more open to M/M contact in MMF threesomes but would feel cheated if it was the main focus and certainly couldn’t maintain a relationship with a man.
In this mood though I’m effectively pansexual, full polymorphous perversity. I can get aroused off men on the same basis as women.
But then I’m like “Yeah, men, and their\u2026 uh\u2026 oh, their dicks. Their erect dicks.” And that works, honestly now when I jerk off I’m a little turned on by the sensation of a hard dick in my hand, which I guess makes sense but is honestly hilarious
But then I’m like “Yeah, and also their\u2026 uhh\u2026 when they take their dicks and\u2026 hm.” Like, I literally don’t know what to fantasize about men. I’m seriously running through secondhand turn-ons: “Yeah, and how they smell when they sweat. Is that a thing for me? No? Hm.”
And so I’m like “well, just think about oral, or anal” and the question comes back “well, which position am I in?” and honestly I don’t have a ready answer and I am literally failing at being bisexual rn because I don’t know if I’m a top or a bottom
Which\u2014 it is to laugh. I’m newly appreciating talk of “discovering” or “exploring” your sexuality \u2013 I’m realizing that previously I greatly benefited from a culture that instructed me in what, exactly, to find sexually attractive in women.
Also maybe I just don’t have any M/M kinks because I’ve never projected any hangups or aspects of society onto men-as-object-of-desire before
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