See the thing is I’m actually very aware of other people’s emotional states, if I’ve spent any decent length of time observing them I can reconstruct their internal narrative. I’ve figured out dark secrets they’ve never told anyone based on how they time the pauses in their speech

At any given time I’m aware of what they want, what they’re protecting themselves from, what strategies they’re using to achieve their goals, why they decided to choose that strategy

Once upon a time I thought if I could just demonstrate this to people they’d appreciate my empathy and we could put bullshit aside and be vulnerable together but jesus christ do people not appreciate you reading their minds

Honestly I’m starting to appreciate people putting on/performing a calculated, fake personality, it keeps this from getting to me (which is to say the “read” I get is “this is a calculated, fake personality”, and maybe some guesses why, but I don’t have to like, dive into the well of their souls and drown myself in their self-loathing)

And yeah that’s why I’ve built this cynical, aloof shell around myself, because it’s the only way to keep my own internality from being overwhelmed by everyone else’s

Well one of two ways, the other is to go arrogant, weaponize my empathy and use it to manipulate people if not straight up flay them alive

I do do that sometimes and if I did more often honestly I’d be happier, I’d get laid more, I’d be in a higher and better place in the world

But I’m not entirely comfortable with doing that at other people’s expense

So I just do it in my head and keep it to myself

Honestly it’s here online - tumblr, livejournal, blogs, comment sections - that I’ve used to let it out

Which is weird if I’m trying to keep it from people because why put it up if I’m not trying to find an audience and people are just as real when I’m not in the same room

I’ve gotten so good at it that now I can construct an innocuous series of stimuli that lead people to flay themselves alive, which is useful against people with good psychological defenses

There’s stories that involve me being absolutely terrible and I’m very proud of them.