"}I am a bad student, and I should stop doing things that make me feel bad.
I am some kind of great genius. \u00a0I am one of the most productive people in the world. \u00a0I am the most intelligent person alive. \u00a0I am unqualified to engage with other human beings or the world in general. \u00a0I am so bad it makes me want to do things like:
\u201cExplore the subtleties of human emotion, seeking out each one as I would an exhibit in a museum\u201d
\u201cFind a new musical score to listen to on repeat, one that resonates with my own emotional experience\u201d
\u201cRead a book, the latest best seller or bestseller most people are reading, even if it\u2019s one I wouldn\u2019t want to read\u201d
I have been keeping it all inside my head for so long that it\u2019s hard for me to open it up and listen to it. \u00a0It\u2019s like a concert inside my head. \u00a0It\u2019s like a state of pure ecstasy. \u00a0It\u2019s like I\u2019ve discovered that my whole life is one long, uninterrupted conversation with the most important and most complex person in the history of humanity.
I\u2019m just like \u201cwooooo! \u00a0I am such a genius!\u201d. \u00a0But I\u2019m aware that this is a kind of \u201carousal\u201d \u2013 this need to engage with the world, this yearning for the thrill of a new experience, or the desire for just a moment of pure, unadulterated joy. \u00a0I\u2019ve been holding onto the worst and the most mundane and still-in-my-head ideas in my head, and they\u2019re slowly becoming the things that keep me awake at night. \u00a0It\u2019s scary because they\u2019re still the most important. \u00a0I don\u2019t want to lose that. \u00a0I want to take the most important ideas and the most ordinary ideas and make them happen together, in the way that all great literature happens. \u00a0Discovering that my life\u2019s experience has been one uninterrupted word epic of the most mind-blowing variety would be like discovering that I\u2019m actually narrating some of the \u201cGreat Works\u201d of literature that have been already been produced. \u00a0I\u2019m not going to be able to just let it all hang out anymore. \u00a0I can see the happy faces of the kids reading \u201cThe Very Hungry Caterpillar,\u201d and all I can think is \u201cah, I was good,\u201d which is all I can think, because everything else is too blurry.
I can\u2019t control my thoughts anymore. \u00a0I can only