\n"}I\u2019m reading Taylor Swift\u2019s diaries now, the four on the special editions of Lover. They start at age 13, so compassion should be exercised, but she\u2019s no normal kid, and I find her fascinating.\u00a0 She has gifted kid syndrome - she looks at everything in terms of whether people like what\u2019s she\u2019s executed. She doesn\u2019t know how to relate to people other than \u201cdo they approve of my works?\u201d \u00a0She wants to learn (self help) but the take home of the personal growth has a lot to do with showing others appreciation through gifts. \u00a0For her, choosing what to buy/style is a large part of her identity. \u00a0My contention of her exemplifying the struggling subjectivity of an object/Laura Palmer type is supported. \u00a0Often this issue is a masculinized one pertaining to \u201cwork,\u201d you are what you\u2019re good for,\u00a0so I look at this and see a version of my life with narrative art instead of clothes/decor and no \u201cbeing famous.\u201d\u00a0 But she has to contend with the horror of being seen.
\nShe flew home because she was lonely and was so glad she did because she \u201cwrote a song called Red on the plane.\u201d\nHer introspection has aspect of alien autopsy with really nice candles burning.\u00a0
\nThe 4 journals are all contemporaneous (though not 100% in order) and are curated to emphasize her excitement at good things happening, how down she gets, the fact that family is important, and the fact that she actually writes the songs. \u00a0There is a longing for human connection and a having to be goal directed 24/7\u2026 it\u2019s noteworthy when there is a day off, and she wants you to know she can appreciate this as long as she\u2019s helping her mom choose a light fixture. \u00a0The diary seems like she imagines someone reading it and there are many stories of \u201cI played it for them and they loved it.\u201d At 13, she\u2019s expressing that she doesn\u2019t want to be at a large label where she gets lost, but Capitol won\u2019t give her the deal she wants. \u00a0
\nAll of this could be written last week, but somehow this doesn\u2019t matter because it\u2019s selected to paint a picture anyway, and there is ample subtext. \u00a0She writes about how she\u2019s\u00a0getting old at 21, and feeling like the girl before the girl you spend your life with/valorizing never getting married at 16. \u00a0There are lines of \u201cwhat good will I be when I\u2019m useless.\u201d\u00a0The pro guy stuff is all \u00a0princess fantasies and she undermines every instance by repeatedly, harshly disbelieving the myth. \u00a0She wrote a song called White Horse about the hero myth being soul rending bullshit which is the best unknowing Laura Palmer nod this side of this \u201csecret diary\u201d itself. \u00a0
\nIt calls attention so some of her writing ticks, like the \u201cdidn\u2019t you see this relationship was your shot at perfection yet you threw it away\u201d and I really get this can\u2019t mess up paranoia/fear of uselessness that hangs over everything. \u00a0All the relationship songs going back are as much or more about her struggle to make her own identity happen through an \u201caudience.\u201d All of the business stuff is about how producers and celebs see her and her work. \u00a0There is a long passage of hating the album cover for 1989 until she saw a polaroid that chopped off her eyes but retained her lips and body.
\nI think releasing this is an exorcism. \u00a0There\u2019s no cancer or the solid guy. \u00a0There is a bunch of never had a real high school experience so my idiom is stuck there, which explains all the cheers and marching bands and prom dresses. But I think that\u2019s over. \u00a0If the next album\u2019s not a baby album, then it\u2019s a wedding one then baby one.
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