More new personality notes: I have multiple times this week given up on playing video games, masturbating, or aimlessly browsing the Internet because it was not as rewarding as cleaning my house would be.

In particular, there’s a set of Venetian blinds on the window above the kitchen sink that I had put off cleaning spatter off of cause like “I have to wipe down every single one? Fuck that.” And now I’m like “I get the satisfaction of wiping something clean and new for every single one? Score!”

It’s like where the mood swings gave me a lot more energy sometimes that I could apply to things, it’s like this just reduces the energy cost of various courses of action. Or, God help me, I hate the “spoons” model but that might be apposite. Spoon cost. That and increases the felt rewards, in some combination.

Makes me realize that whatever self-help I was doing was about creating a functional structure to deal with the high-cost model: getting into productive habits, at least getting equipped and situated at a project before I drank coffee so that’s what I’d apply the energy to, etc. None of it served to move me to the lower-cost model, that just happened.

Which is, itself, fucking ridiculous. Even as someone who consciously thinks that the world would be better off embracing the threat of death, “threatened with death —> your personality flaws just go away” is ridiculous