This has occurred to me independently several times, so I figure I might as well write it down. Anytime there is a social rule,...
This has occurred to me independently several times, so I figure I might as well write it down.
Anytime there is a social rule, some people will try to find ways to exploit it – to do bad things in ways that are technically rule-compliant, or to wield the rules against the innocent by taking advantage of subtle flaws in the rule’s formulation.
The solution to this is not to make even better rules. Yes, certain rules are especially bad and ought to be replaced by less exploitable ones. But any rule you bind yourself to will be exploited.
What you always need, in addition to good rules, is a fail-safe button. You need to give yourself the right to say “hey, this looks like manipulative bullshit” or “that person sure is an asshole” – specifically, the right to do this “extra-legally,” without caring about the rules. You need a “no, that’s just wrong, even though some similar things are right” option.
Of course, this option can itself be abused, particularly if it is used freely and unthinkingly. If the rules hold only until the moment you don’t like their consequences, then the rules don’t really hold at all.
But if someone does that, you can take the same option yourself: “yeah, I said you should have this option, but using it like that is wrong.” Because the option does not have specific rules (by construction), no one can use rules lawyering to take it away from you. If someone uses “calling bullshit” for bad ends, you can just call bullshit on them.
This is not without downsides. It means nothing is certain. If you declare your right to press the failsafe button, no one can simply rely on you to follow the rules; they have to judge your character to know whether to trust you in any given case. But there isn’t any real alternative to this. Rules don’t save you from having to assess other people’s character; even if you know they will follow the letter of the law, you have to decide whether they will follow the spirit of it.
If everyone grokked everyone else perfectly, rules would not be necessary. Rules help you coexist with strangers, with people you don’t know will grok you. But don’t be afraid to insist that coexisting with you is more than just a matter of following the rules; that the latter are just a means for furthering the former. Don’t be afraid to remind people that they are interacting with you, not with the rules, and that your judgments are ultimately your own, for them to take or leave.