\n"}\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n[Heh, I actually wrote a whole post about the word \u201cbullying\u201d while I was bored on the train this morning.\u00a0 Here you go.]
\nMy hatred of the word \u201cbullying\u201d dates back to elementary school. \u00a0I was one of the most viciously bullied kids in the whole school, but the thing was\u2026 we kids never used the word \u201cbullying\u201d to describe what was going on. \u00a0We used words like \u201cpicked on\u201d and \u201cmade fun of\u201d instead. \u00a0It was only clueless adults, who had no actual understanding of what our lives were like, who used the word \u201cbullied\u201d.
\nLike, there were these travelling\u2026 morality plays?\u2026 that would come by our school, and we\u2019d all leave class for a couple of hours, and go sit on the gym floor, and watch these ridiculous adults act out skits about why Drugs Are Bad or Bullying Is Wrong. \u00a0And they would always be laughably cartoonish, and the characters wouldn\u2019t talk like real children, and it was clear that whoever had written these plays had no understanding of what real kids\u2019 lives were like. \u00a0The plays were impossible to take seriously, because they clearly didn\u2019t know anything about bullying.
\nAnyway, fast forward to today\u2026 whenever I hear a high-schooler or 20-something use the word \u201cbullying\u201d, I always assume they\u2019ve been brainwashed by the morality plays, or some adult equivalent thereof. \u00a0I always assume they\u2019ve forgotten the actual visceral reality of being a kid and experiencing these things. \u00a0I\u2019m especially suspicious of them because\u2026 I usually hear the word \u201cbullying\u201d used in a moral context, about how bullying is so bad, and we need to teach kids not to bully and provide therapy and support for the poor little children that were hurt.
\nWhich is where the association with therapy culture comes in. \u00a0"We want to provide resources for supporting victims of bullying.\u201c \u00a0The poor little sweet sensitive damaged sad children, who just need to be given a hug and told that everything\u2019s going to be ok. \u00a0The children who are frail and innocent and will grow up to be extra sensitive thanks to their experience with bullying, extra likely to be upset or triggered by things that remind them of their bullying, people who need to be sheltered and protected.
\nAnd that\u2019s just so utterly far from my own experience that it\u2019s ridiculous and I want to tear that whole therapy worldview to shreds. \u00a0I didn\u2019t come out of \u201cbullying\u201d weak and sensitive and needing to be protected. \u00a0I came out of elementary school hardened and world-weary because I had experienced so much. \u00a0I came out of elementary school with some thick emotional calluses. \u00a0And my experience there contributes to my toughness and willingness to stand adversity today. \u00a0"What doesn\u2019t kill you makes you stronger.\u201c \u00a0"Who would bring light must endure burning.\u201d \u00a0I was not weakened by bullying; I was not almost broken. \u00a0I was tempered and hardened and forged in the fire of pain.
\n[Just so everyone knows, this post is about 1000 times more stream-of-consciousness and \u201cmy unfiltered thoughts and opinions\u201d than usual.\u00a0 Normally I (1) try to back things up with actual argument instead of just giving aesthetic objections, and (2) try to be more charitable to the people I disagree with, because I don\u2019t actually want to hurt the people who do follow the therapy worldview.\u00a0 Regarding (1), I made this post very aesthetic-stream-of-consciousness because\u2026 my aversion to the word \u201cbullying\u201d really is an aesthetic sort of thing, and I didn\u2019t know how to convey this otherwise.\u00a0 I also think maybe\u2026 I try too hard to convey things in terms of rational arguments, and I often get stuck because I can\u2019t find any, and it\u2019s often better to communicate in impressions and imagery.\u00a0 But I\u2019m so fixated on the \u201crational\u201d mode of thinking that I forget this is even an option.\u00a0 Regarding (2), first of all I don\u2019t believe that everyone who uses the word \u201cbullying\u201d is on board with \u201ctherapy culture\u201d, and as I said wrt the post about that girl, I really do want to look past people\u2019s word choices to get an understanding of what they actually mean.\u00a0 And second of all, I\u2019m not completely opposed to therapy culture, and I don\u2019t want to write off everyone who\u2019s involved with it.\u00a0 I have this visceral negative reaction to it because it hurt me very badly for many years.\u00a0 And I do honestly think that therapy culture is unhelpful for society at large.\u00a0 But I also recognize that therapy culture is really helpful for a lot of people, and is exactly what they need, and I don\u2019t want to begrudge them this support.\u00a0 Also \u201ctherapy culture\u201d is distinct from actual therapy, and I have no problem with clinical psychologists and the work they\u2019re doing.\u00a0 My mom is a clinical psychologist.\u00a0 One of my favorite tumblr blogs is written by a clinical psychologist.\u00a0 I\u2019m just opposed to this worldview that pervades a lot of psychology and psychiatry.]
\nHuh. I wonder if part of the reason I am okay with the word\u00a0\u201cbullying\u201d is that\u2026 bullying definitely did break me in very obvious ways. And, like, I can embrace kintsugi, I can make something beautiful out of my brokenness, but I am never going to be the person I would be if I hadn\u2019t been broken. And so since I am, from a certain point of view, weak and sensitive and in need of protection, of course I\u2019m less repulsed by that narrative
\n(anti-bullying skits are completely fucking useless though and Exhibit A of why \u201cteach men not to rape\u201d is a bad idea)
\nbut\u2026 I also feel like Tragic Backstory + bpd made me tougher in certain ways? not to actual experiences\u2013 I\u2019m weak as fuck\u2013 but to emotional pain. I\u2019m a fucking emotional pain shren. I have to be careful when I describe my emotional experience to new friends, because I will offhandedly mention things and then they will stare at me in horror. I had to train myself not to say\u00a0\u201ceh, I\u2019ll probably have a panic attack on the way over, but I\u2019ll go\u201d, because most people don\u2019t see panic attacks as a routine cost of doing business.\u00a0
\nthe one thing that made me most interested in taking lsd was someone\u2019s description of a bad trip meant to convince others not to take it; I thought it would be a *fascinating* experience and\u2026 I really don\u2019t alieve in emotional pain I can\u2019t handle
\nI endorse both of these responses for different reasons. I never had any trouble, as a kid, associating the word\u00a0\u201cbullying\u201d with what was happening to me\u2026but I also really like the post at large and the point it makes. And it never occurred to me to call those skits\u00a0\u201cmorality plays\u201d\u2026but that is 100% on the money.\u00a0
\nMy experience was of course pretty different\u2026\u00a0
But the Adults Are Useless and the Divorce Between\u00a0\u201cThe Word Bullying\u201d and\u00a0\u201cThe Actual Ways That People Are Deliberately Annoying, Harrassing, Or Harming Me\u201d was certainly there.\u00a0
Most of the morality plays, and Young Hero Plays, assumed that bullies would not be able to flow around my decisions. Like stabbing a bucket of sand.\u00a0
ONe thing I do remember definitely is the whole\u00a0\u201cfear of conflict greater than fear of being successfully bullied\u201d thing.\u00a0