[Heh, I actually wrote a whole post about the word “bullying” while I was bored on the train this morning. Here you go.] My...
[Heh, I actually wrote a whole post about the word “bullying” while I was bored on the train this morning. Here you go.]
My hatred of the word “bullying” dates back to elementary school. I was one of the most viciously bullied kids in the whole school, but the thing was… we kids never used the word “bullying” to describe what was going on. We used words like “picked on” and “made fun of” instead. It was only clueless adults, who had no actual understanding of what our lives were like, who used the word “bullied”.
Like, there were these travelling… morality plays?… that would come by our school, and we’d all leave class for a couple of hours, and go sit on the gym floor, and watch these ridiculous adults act out skits about why Drugs Are Bad or Bullying Is Wrong. And they would always be laughably cartoonish, and the characters wouldn’t talk like real children, and it was clear that whoever had written these plays had no understanding of what real kids’ lives were like. The plays were impossible to take seriously, because they clearly didn’t know anything about bullying.
Anyway, fast forward to today… whenever I hear a high-schooler or 20-something use the word “bullying”, I always assume they’ve been brainwashed by the morality plays, or some adult equivalent thereof. I always assume they’ve forgotten the actual visceral reality of being a kid and experiencing these things. I’m especially suspicious of them because… I usually hear the word “bullying” used in a moral context, about how bullying is so bad, and we need to teach kids not to bully and provide therapy and support for the poor little children that were hurt.
Which is where the association with therapy culture comes in. "We want to provide resources for supporting victims of bullying.“ The poor little sweet sensitive damaged sad children, who just need to be given a hug and told that everything’s going to be ok. The children who are frail and innocent and will grow up to be extra sensitive thanks to their experience with bullying, extra likely to be upset or triggered by things that remind them of their bullying, people who need to be sheltered and protected.
And that’s just so utterly far from my own experience that it’s ridiculous and I want to tear that whole therapy worldview to shreds. I didn’t come out of “bullying” weak and sensitive and needing to be protected. I came out of elementary school hardened and world-weary because I had experienced so much. I came out of elementary school with some thick emotional calluses. And my experience there contributes to my toughness and willingness to stand adversity today. "What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.“ "Who would bring light must endure burning.” I was not weakened by bullying; I was not almost broken. I was tempered and hardened and forged in the fire of pain.
[Just so everyone knows, this post is about 1000 times more stream-of-consciousness and “my unfiltered thoughts and opinions” than usual. Normally I (1) try to back things up with actual argument instead of just giving aesthetic objections, and (2) try to be more charitable to the people I disagree with, because I don’t actually want to hurt the people who do follow the therapy worldview. Regarding (1), I made this post very aesthetic-stream-of-consciousness because… my aversion to the word “bullying” really is an aesthetic sort of thing, and I didn’t know how to convey this otherwise. I also think maybe… I try too hard to convey things in terms of rational arguments, and I often get stuck because I can’t find any, and it’s often better to communicate in impressions and imagery. But I’m so fixated on the “rational” mode of thinking that I forget this is even an option. Regarding (2), first of all I don’t believe that everyone who uses the word “bullying” is on board with “therapy culture”, and as I said wrt the post about that girl, I really do want to look past people’s word choices to get an understanding of what they actually mean. And second of all, I’m not completely opposed to therapy culture, and I don’t want to write off everyone who’s involved with it. I have this visceral negative reaction to it because it hurt me very badly for many years. And I do honestly think that therapy culture is unhelpful for society at large. But I also recognize that therapy culture is really helpful for a lot of people, and is exactly what they need, and I don’t want to begrudge them this support. Also “therapy culture” is distinct from actual therapy, and I have no problem with clinical psychologists and the work they’re doing. My mom is a clinical psychologist. One of my favorite tumblr blogs is written by a clinical psychologist. I’m just opposed to this worldview that pervades a lot of psychology and psychiatry.]
Huh. I wonder if part of the reason I am okay with the word “bullying” is that… bullying definitely did break me in very obvious ways. And, like, I can embrace kintsugi, I can make something beautiful out of my brokenness, but I am never going to be the person I would be if I hadn’t been broken. And so since I am, from a certain point of view, weak and sensitive and in need of protection, of course I’m less repulsed by that narrative
(anti-bullying skits are completely fucking useless though and Exhibit A of why “teach men not to rape” is a bad idea)
but… I also feel like Tragic Backstory + bpd made me tougher in certain ways? not to actual experiences– I’m weak as fuck– but to emotional pain. I’m a fucking emotional pain shren. I have to be careful when I describe my emotional experience to new friends, because I will offhandedly mention things and then they will stare at me in horror. I had to train myself not to say “eh, I’ll probably have a panic attack on the way over, but I’ll go”, because most people don’t see panic attacks as a routine cost of doing business.
the one thing that made me most interested in taking lsd was someone’s description of a bad trip meant to convince others not to take it; I thought it would be a *fascinating* experience and… I really don’t alieve in emotional pain I can’t handle
I endorse both of these responses for different reasons. I never had any trouble, as a kid, associating the word “bullying” with what was happening to me…but I also really like the post at large and the point it makes. And it never occurred to me to call those skits “morality plays”…but that is 100% on the money.
My experience was of course pretty different…
But the Adults Are Useless and the Divorce Between “The Word Bullying” and “The Actual Ways That People Are Deliberately Annoying, Harrassing, Or Harming Me” was certainly there.
Most of the morality plays, and Young Hero Plays, assumed that bullies would not be able to flow around my decisions. Like stabbing a bucket of sand.
ONe thing I do remember definitely is the whole “fear of conflict greater than fear of being successfully bullied” thing.