realisenothing:

I’m going through the Old Testament and I’m going to rank all the men according to the PUA spectrum of maleness

God - Alpha, he’s the big cheese, the main man, everyone wants a slice of that pizza pie

Adam - Alpha, hey he’s naming everyone and he gets to sample the first sliz ever. nice

Cain - Alpha, the gardening nearly makes him a beta but he brings it all back by murdering the fuck out of….

Abel - Beta. Sure he’s a shepherd and that’s a rough job but uh, you got killed mate,

Noah - Omega . henpecked. the only guy god chose to keep around because he wasn’t sinning. wow, get a spine noah

Abraham - Beta, was going to kill his only son, uh nice, where do you keep your tampons

Isaac - Omega, the worst of the patriarchs, didn’t even leave canaan, didn’t change his name. 

Jacob - Alpha, tricks his idiot dad into giving him the birthright, fights an angel, changes his name to Israel, still causing a ruckus 3000 years later

Joseph - Beta, although he does have a PUA-approved coat, he gets sold into slavery and then doesn’t even fuck pharoah’s wife. dude what is your problem

Moses - Alpha, kills a slave driver, talks to a bush that’s on fire, delivers plagues, makes everyone drink gold. writes a book about himself where he says he’s the “Humblest man who ever lived”

David - Alpha, kills a giant when he was a boy, sends a man off to die because he gets hard for his wife, gets a little gay with jonathan but he gets a pass

Solomon - Beta, can’t get a woman to convert to his religion, did build a very peacocky temple though.

Job - Omega, literally gets COVERED IN FESTERING BOILS and still doesn’t stand up for himself. Get a new religion when that stuff starts happening pal

Daniel - Alpha, lions, dens, need I go on?

Jonah - Beta, you gotta admire him standing up to god, but swallowed by a fish? uh, paging dr freud!

Jesus - Alpha, he changed the game dog. Changed the fucking game. He died for our sins so that we may join him in the kingdom of heaven. give your life to the son of god today