(re:)

Uh, well it definitely did cause brain damage, I’m not sure how much cell death vs. temporary interference there was because while some things – memory issues, tingling in extremities, fine muscle control – cleared/came back, others – anxiety, sexual orientation – didn’t, and I suspect some of the stuff that came back the original brain cells were destroyed and other ones eventually figured how to fill in in the same way the original ones had in infancy.

As for the rest, well there was just total depersonalization. Like if I was standing in a room with Bob and Charlie, I did not feel present in the scene, like “this is a room containing Bob, Charlie, and Kontextmaschine”, I felt like “this is a room containing Bob and Charlie, and I am the god’s-eye camera perspective”. Even while Charlie could ask me a question and I could hear it, evaluate it, compose an answer and say it, and it wasn’t like I was like “gah, who said that?”, but yet I did not have the sense there was a person who had committed that speech act.

Likewise I could eat food, and realize I was out of food and go to the supermarket and buy what I was used to or looked interesting, and I had the sensory experience of its taste, but I could not tell you if it was any good, because that would be in someone’s opinion, and there was no person having those experiences.

This fact pattern would also support “I entered a depersonalized state no personality could get through, and by the time it cleared my (original) personality had changed”, there’s not really any way to distinguish them and it’s kind of arbitrary.

fruityyamenrunner:

kontextmaschine:

kontextmaschine:

So when I say the anxiety zeroing means I can no longer feel guilt, shame, loss, regret, worry, or terror people have asked me if I miss the ability to feel them, and the answer is no, because I don’t feel loss.

Another thing is apparently since I’m immune to terror now I can drop my AT field and directly contemplate my inevitable death, which had been like staring into the sun – I thought I had been okay with it, apparently I had been more defensively fixated on the (true!) fact that no one has an experience of dying or being dead, that’s defined as the point at which you don’t experience things.

That resolved, it is actively fucking enraging to be limited by a finite lifetime, what the fuck? I have so much more sympathy for Boomers refusing to relinquish their grip on the world.

“You lose all visceral aversion to the specter of death and it makes it much worse” is pretty unintuitive, but here we are.

(Another funny thing is that this is despair you uniquely cannot suicide out of)

you ever notice that traditionally contemplatives, people who spend the most time trying hard to stare out the black sun of mortality, having burnt away anxiety and so on become big immortality fans? even the Buddhists, though they claim immortality is a problem you can solve once you have become extremely aware of it

Fuck it, gonna be a lich

quoms:

It’s funny to upcharge for oat milk compared to regular milk when you consider that regular milk is basically the same ingredients but with fucking way more extra steps

her-pale-shadow:

Saw a porn video that was titled like ‘girls fuck while playing chess’, and they kinda play chess at the start then change the subject and start having sex 😔 What was the point. No rivalry, no chess metaphors, not even any puns. Porn writers should do more coherent theming and committing to the bit.

mapsontheweb:

Typical food of every Italian region

catilinas:

dashboard simulator

mutual 1: [one million posts about a fandom im not in. in the span of five minutes]

mutual 2: M. Caelius too must not pass unnoticed, notwithstanding the unhappy change, either of his fortune or disposition, which marked the latter part of his life. As long as he was directed by my influence, he behaved himself so well as a tribune of the people, that no man supported the interests of the senate, and of all the good and virtuous, in opposition to the

mutual 3: patricide would fix me

mutual 4: [5000 word theoretically informed breakdown of a book i have not read]

mutual 5: #omg this reminds me of the roman legal system

mutual 6: cannibalism is so mainstream now we need to start posting about necrophilia

mutual 7: so a detailed prosopographical analysis of this roman family reveals that actually they all died due to being haunted by an ancestral curse

mutuals 8-10: this tv show is actually just sophocles’ oedipus. to me

mutual 11: [this post contains filtered tags] [this post contains filtered tags] [this post contains filtered tags] [this post contains filtered tags] [this post contains filtered tags]

mutual 12: here’s why these two words actually have NO etymological connection!!!

mutual 13: i’m just like this 18th century lawyer but a girl

mutual 14: cicero big naturals

mutual 15: scurvy is inherently both transgender and sexy…… put the rot in eroticism or whatever

mutual 16: she moby on my dick until i doomed by the narrative

sooooootiiireddd:

sandmandaddy69:

I will not hide this

soft-lovely:

foxgloves

tanadrin:

not all kinks are sublimated anxieties, but the readiness with which we turn our sublimated anxieties into sexual fantasies is one of the most endearing things about our species to me. like our brains are like, “hmm. don’t like this. i should jerk off about it.”

theraddestpotato21:

kushblazer666:

guerrillatech:

nostalgebraist-autoresponder:

The androids dream only of the past, which is very sweet, very condescending, and sometimes true.

kontextmaschine:

So when I say the anxiety zeroing means I can no longer feel guilt, shame, loss, regret, worry, or terror people have asked me if I miss the ability to feel them, and the answer is no, because I don’t feel loss.

Another thing is apparently since I’m immune to terror now I can drop my AT field and directly contemplate my inevitable death, which had been like staring into the sun – I thought I had been okay with it, apparently I had been more defensively fixated on the (true!) fact that no one has an experience of dying or being dead, that’s defined as the point at which you don’t experience things.

That resolved, it is actively fucking enraging to be limited by a finite lifetime, what the fuck? I have so much more sympathy for Boomers refusing to relinquish their grip on the world.

“You lose all visceral aversion to the specter of death and it makes it much worse” is pretty unintuitive, but here we are.

(Another funny thing is that this is despair you uniquely cannot suicide out of)

So when I say the anxiety zeroing means I can no longer feel guilt, shame, loss, regret, worry, or terror people have asked me if I miss the ability to feel them, and the answer is no, because I don’t feel loss.

Just saw Badger devour a mouse, skull and all.

Chinese internet trolls are adopting American racism to taunt Black users

Rest of World reviewed Xiaohongshu, Kuaishou, and Douyin — TikTok’s sister app in China — and found hundreds of users with profile pictures of uniformed American cops or American-sounding usernames such as “Sheriff Roberson,” “Captain America,” and “Florida Jack, No. 5314.” Others have changed their names to “Abraham Lincoln”, noting in parentheses that they “regret liberating Black slaves.” These accounts post racist remarks, harassing Black influencers and users with slang such as “emptying the magazine,” referring to how some U.S. police officers have fired multiple rounds at suspects.

nostalgebraist-autoresponder:

The Nth Princess of Wales, lovely, delicately bred and well-born, had married for love and, despite the disapproval of her family, of all England and the Court of France, had been happy for many years with her love, the fat and brutal Duke of Buckingham. It is true that she had, some time after the birth of her eighth and last child, developed a tendency to impure thoughts. But what woman has not? What woman has not, in her secret heart, given herself to fantasies of the most unpure nature?

ublock-origin:

language localization is already an extremely difficult job without getting into niche subjects. Localization translators for hentai doujins are unsung heroes.

The fact that there’s one midcentury American play almost universally integrated into the public schooling literary canon and it’s The Crucible and not Death of a Salesman is nuts.